A river runs through me...

(This blog is rough, so just giving you fair warning beforehand)

I just got back from my third annual Edisto River canoe trip organized by a couple friends from church, the local mama and papa of Hartsville. It was fairly successful as far as canoe trips a re concerned, I actually didn't share a canoe, but as usual I floated solo in a kayak down the river, bringing up the rear to make sure that nobody got left behind or stranded with an up-side-down canoe.

I am now in the market for a kayak, because I now have a place to keep one, and a place to go close by to use it. There are a couple friends in town that want to do this as well, so maybe it will be a good investment and a pleasant hobby. Now I just have to train my wiener (that's my dachsund) to be able to handle the black water swamps around here. He would most likely be prime alligator bait.

But I digress. As I was floating down the river, I came across three or four guys snorkeling in the shallows of the river, and as one came up, he exclaimed "I found one!" So I asked what exactly it was that he found, and he showed me what he claimed to be 30,000,000 year old shark's tooth. I was flabbergasted. I actually still have a hard time believing anything could be that old.

Anyway, on the ride home, I was listening to a guy on CD talking about what actually had to occur in order for me to have been born. In other words, my ancestors had to survive wars, plagues, famines, natural disasters, etc. and I just happened to be one of the results of this conglomeration of so-called coincidences. And I just can't believe it. No, I mean I can't bring myself to believe that it was all happenstance.

This is a struggle for me. Because if I can't believe that it was all a question of chance and coincidence, the alternative is that my existence was purposed. And if it was purposed, I wonder why? And I wonder how much say I have in realizing that purpose. Am I able or allowed to know the reason for my existence? It seems like that the countless amount of people in this world, all of whom were purposed, would make the purpose seem so insignificant, yet both the conception of life and death causing cancer start with a single cell in a vast number of cells.

So why me? Who am I and what am I here for? What do I do right now, and where am I going with this seemingly short time on a single small planet in an infinite universe?

There has to be an answer, and I know that people throughout all history have been asking this question. But I am not satisfied with numbing theories or theologies, and I want an answer here and now.

I had an epiphany on the river. As we all headed downstream, I turned my kayak around and watched things pass from a different perspective. I was actually seeing where I was and where I had been, but I was still moving toward the outfitters' landing which was our ultimate goal.

I know God, Jesus, and the river of life that He talked about. It flows to Him. It is hard to feel "safe" when you are floating backwards down a river, because there are obstacles to overcome, trees that will knock you over, shallows that will ground you, etc. But sometimes, it is nice to see the river from a different perspective and just trust the river to take you where it is going. There are wonderful things to see that you would not be able to see while constantly on the lookout for obstacles. Enjoying the river is so much better than paddling here and there to avoid trees and such. When its time to paddle, its pretty obvious that it only takes a few strokes to get the job done, then you can enjoy the river some more.

Anyway, I want to know a lot of things, and I want a lot of answers. But when I really dig in to the "Why?" behind my questions, it is all pretty self centered and really more of me trying to control my own situation. I don't think that inactivity is the solution to finding satisfaction, nor do I think that striving to find answers will get me any closer to my destiny, but I do think that there are seasons of resting and seasons of asking, and sooner or later we will see the answer either in front of or behind where we are right now. Patience is a virtue in which I abound not, but I feel like I am getting a dose.