Yes, its time for one of those blogs that, although interesting to some, will more likely be some form of therapy for me. I have to warn all those who are reading that this blog may get personal for me...I tend to like to deal with my issues in a public or semi-public manner, otherwise I don't feel like I am completely honest with myself. When things are put into the light, they tend to be easier to deal with. Anyway, This is not a plea for sympathy or an attempt at finding comfort from friends, rather more of a way for me to vent my thoughts that otherwise like to swirl around in my head for way too long without being confronted. So, here goes.
Friday July 6th, 2007, my wife signed the divorce papers that I filed. Whether that makes her officially an ex-wife or what is yet to be explained to me, because the divorce still has about 45 days until finalizing. An interesting side-note is that the very next day I was at the Call Nashville, a symbolic divorce from the Baal spirit (the spirit worshipped by Jezabel) and remarriage to Jehovah by the church in the US. Anyway, so here I am, a 30 year old divorcee that invested 10 of those years into a failed relationship, and I am stuck asking myself "What now?"
I can't help but feel heartbroken about the whole divorce thing, although honestly I am pretty ready to be done with it. I think that some true colors were shown by both parties in the process and I am glad the relationship is ending. The problem I am facing is not the emotional aspect of the divorce. I came to emotional terms with the divorce when I filed for it. It is the right move, I know that I know, and I can stand on that. The only thing, and this is true, the only thing I remember desiring from childhood was to have a wife and family of my own. And therein lies the problem. That is my desire. That is my dream. (Stay with me, I am getting there...)
Now, there is no such thing as a man who understands women, especially not me. But I think it is safe to say that most women want to feel desired and pursued by a man to a certain extent. The desire part is easy for us guys. It comes pretty naturally, and often in doses way too large for us to handle properly. The pursuit is much more complicated requiring thought, listening, selfless acts and other things often filed in a man's brain under H for "Huh?"
So, what is the problem working me over, and what is all this business about pursuit? The problem is, I am tired. I don't know if I have the energy to do the whole courting thing again. I know that there is no hurry, I am still young, etc. But that isn't the issue. The issue is that I don't care if I am still young and can wait, I don't want to wait. I waited for eight years to get married, and after a year and a half, I had to call it quits, because all my pursuit and all my energy up to that point had not convinced her to come be my wife. I am tired, tired of waiting, tired of pursuing, tired of feeling like used goods, tired of being lonely, tired of being tired and I want to change something, anything....but I can't, because I have to wait. For what I don't know. So I am left with my original question: "What now?"
Whew...I am starting to heat up. It has not escaped me that some of these feelings may change when I find "the right one." But without getting back into the whole waiting rant, the concept of "the right one" really bothers me. I don't mean to say that it is not true, or that I don't believe it, but it bothers me nonetheless. Knowing and discerning "the right one" takes a whole level of attunedness and honesty with oneself that for men is straight difficult when they are worked up over a woman. I thought I had "the right one" and that's why I got married to begin with.
Anyway, it seems like I am leaving a lot of unanswered questions for myself right now. Unanswered questions irritate me, and when I talk to God, I tend to be just audacious enough to expect Him to answer. Why would He say He listens to us if He didn't want to answer us? The whole reason for Christ was to restore the God-Man conversation lost in Eden and take it a step further in man becoming one with God. So I expect answers, and I seldom get them when I want them. Risking sounding heretical, I don't like that about God sometimes. Getting answers from Him requires pursuit, and like I said earlier, I am all out of pursuit these days, not because I am lazy or disinterested, but I feel like I spent all I had. So my posture before the Lord feels like it originates in duty, not friendship or intimacy. I have never heard of any great romances being founded on duty.
Anyway, it is late, and I think that for coherence's sake, I am going to hit the "Post" button. There is more to come, about this and other happenings in my life. But for now, I guess I will have to settle for the mild satisfaction of having clarified with the written word what I am feeling, so that if I need to revisit it, I can pick up where I left off.
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